Break Down

 I have a small break down yesterday morning.

First, it was just a small talk with my mentor. I told her I felt that I left behind. I don't have time to develop myself. I can not finish reading any good book, I make other people disappointed. On top of that, i also have failure list I didn't tell her : I failed to follow my schedule for routine exercise, I failed to lost weight, I didn't start list of things I plan, I don't even know how to write well.  

Her response is quite long, but one sentence that unexpectedly making my tears running down was "To have what you want, to want what you have."

I can not explain it well on why this sentence touching me, but suddenly I feel caught off guard for something I can not also explain. That one sentecne hit me so hard, I cry.

Mungkin hanya terlalu capek dan kurang istirahat. Atau mungkin selama ini memang sedang berjalan ke arah yang salah. Rasanya pingin istirahat dulu, pingin resign, pingin menata ulang jalur hidup. Tapi ga bisa dan belum bisa. Kalau resign, KPR gimana? Sekolah anak-anak gimana? 

Happy wife is a happy family. 

I need to be happy and have my sanity 100%. My husband need me to be strong, and I need to support him in this challenging period. My kids need me, during their golden years. I need to be an example of a good human being. I know what I need to do, it's just sometimes it feels so hard to do.

I think, it's ok to have a break down, to embrace this uneasy feeling, the pressure and the sadness, for 1-2 days. Today is saturday, I hope I can get back on my feet already on Monday.